Autism

Raising a child is no easy task, your given a lot of advice from those around you although it's never the same. You must pick and choose what you feel is right for you and your child.

Add into the mix of separation, now that is tough!

My middle child’s father and I split just after her second birthday, it was a strained relationship from the start and should never have been although we wouldn’t have our beautiful Amity so it's certainly not a regret.

Amity was always a child that drew people’s attention in and had what we and those around her would call “quirks”.

Year 1 was a real wake up call to me, I was in the office what felt to be weekly regarding Amity’s behaviour, keeping in mind she was only 5. I ended up having a big meeting set up by the school towards the end of the year. The school principal, deputy, school psych and her teacher were all there and me, talk about intimidating.

The school Psych went to town on me, she criticised me for working and studying “how can you have enough time for your children “when do you spend time with them?” and the one that really got me was that she had stated Amity was “emotionally neglected” now that one hurt!

She continued with questions about where amity would spend Christmas that year and how it's not right for amity to be away from her mother during this time. Her father hadn’t spent a Christmas with amity for several years due to him working a fifo roster and it not aligning so it was only right that he had his turn, and I stood my ground on this.

I came out of this meeting an absolute mess; I started questioning my whole life and myself as a parent. I changed my working roster to only work night duties so that I could be available during the days when I was needed. My shifts were typically 2200-0700 Perfect, I was there when she woke and left for work when she went to bed. I also dropped my uni down a unit and tried to plan my classes at times that she wouldn’t even notice me missing.

Unfortunately, my response was to completely disconnect from the school, I didn’t engage in any “chit chat” with teachers or offer anything other than closed ended answers to questions I was asked.

I had made friends with amity’s class mates parents, it's easy to do when your see the same people a lot over several years. We would have the occasional BBQ and get together although after a while they started to drop away due to amity’s behaviours getting increasingly worse, this was in the form of physical altercations and lack of social boundaries.

I knew what she was doing was wrong and we had debriefs about behaviours and how to control our emotions nightly although after years of hearing how my daughter was always the issue, I just got sick of it so slowly told the parents to just stop. I am trying my best and if it happens at school its out of my hands.

This wasn’t received well at all.

I lost those friends and so did Amity; they didn’t deserve me and my daughter anyways, it still hurt non the less.

Now I stopped going to the school at all, I just couldn’t be bothered with the judging and blaming rather than the understanding and support that I was needing.

Amity’s father has been at me for years about stricter parenting and how amity “rules the roost” as he likes to say although for me, I just don’t see it like that. This stuff always happens when I’m not around and not under my roof, classic example is while she is at school.

It was just coming from all angles; School, her father, school mums, some family members and I had had enough! I saw the areas that we as a collective needed to work on although I also saw the good and I could see when amity was genuinely trying hard to make “good choices”.

Amity said to me one day “mum, can you please find me someone to help with my emotions?” “Absolutely!” I immediately started googling psychologist in my area that are good with children and looking at reviews and availabilities. Found one.

Amity had her sessions, and the psych has asked me if I knew much about autism, so we chatted about that, and her advice was to get an assessment aged 9 assessment was booked in.

I spoke with her teacher, and she told me “I have worked with autistic children and amity is not autistic, she just has you wrapped around her finger” I wanted to scream.

He father told me that there is nothing wrong with her and he wouldn’t help with the assessment at all, and she didn’t need psychology so wouldn’t help with that either “firm parenting, that’s what we have at our home” he advised me.

Why does everyone think I’m such a bad mum?

The assessment come back, and Amity is level 2 on the ASD spectrum, “Fuck all of you”. I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs. I had so much emotion to let go of, anger, happiness, frustration, fear, relieve it all just pilled through me on top of each other.

I had to fight everyone around me for so long knowing amity struggled with many things and she needed adaptions, but it was all viewed as bad kid = bad parenting.

I went to the UK without the two older kids as a farewell to my husband grandmother and so she could meet our baby. We came back to an absolute mess; Amity had been given interschool suspension which would have been suspension if I had been home, and I was given the list of incidents.

I was in contact via email by the school so I am aware of some incidents while I was away although there wasn’t anything I could do. When I got home was when the full force of it hit me.

Immediately I set up a school meeting, Teacher, principle, deputy, school psych (different one, thank goodness) I asked them what they were going to do to start supporting my daughter in the school setting. I mean she spends 6 hours a day at school and I’m not there to walk her through every step of it.

“We can get funding now for an EA” the school told me “Ok great how will that help amity?” I asked. I had lost all confidence in the school by now and knew I had made up my mind before even going into this meeting. “Well, they won't work with just amity but more of a group thing” but amity doesn’t do well in groups “I explained with a tone of defence and frustration. They went on to explain how it will be a smaller group and how it’s hard to get EA's atm along with limited funding etc etc.

What a load of rubbish!

Home schooling it is, I will support her and get her mental health on track which has declined so rapidly that I am scared to check on her in the mornings.

Now to update her father “tough one”. He and I have never got along so anything that is regarding amity that we have the slightest disagreement on can and usually will blow up although it’s not usually immediately, kind of like a volcano, just bubbles away for a while then it all comes out with force and anger.

As expected, he was skeptical and I knew he didn’t like this idea, too bad. I am doing all her school meetings, homework, therapies, escalations, and main parenting. He has her 2 days every 14 and its usually the beach, bike rides, that sort of thing. With saying that she had stopped going there as she “didn’t feel comfortable anymore” in her words. Amity isn’t good with emotions and words so no one can get more then that out of her.

A few weeks later “She looks normal so she can engage in normal activities and be a normal kid” her father told me with anger and matter of factly. umm I don’t think so. A heated discussion, some may say argument and then it all comes down to “I’m a bad mum” “amity isn’t safe” due to teenage boys being around her and “in and out of my house”. I think the full context is important here as her brother is 14 (as of today) and he often has his friend (newly 13) come over after school and they will ride their bikes to the park and hang out. This kid mind you has been around for 6 years and his mum and I have become good friends too, so I guess he is right technically although it’s not like I’m running a party house for teenage boys.

It’s come down to he is a better parent and wants amity full time, court is now in the near future. More bloody stress and I’m tired, mentally, and physically.

Is any of this even worth it? I fight so hard for my daughter although am I seriously missing something here?

At her age I feel that she has a voice that deserves to be heard and I’m in a tough place as she understands enough, and her dad isn’t a bad dad at all although he does work fifo and has two other babies so I just struggle to see how they can do what I do for her especially as she absolutely refuses to go.

A child of 10 can chuck an impressive “tantrum” but a child with autism is a whole new level, the escalation is intense and there’s no physical way I could get her into a car to drive 1 hour away. Yes 1 hour! He bought a house that far away from her knowing where she lives and goes to school but that’s irrelevant, I guess.

Who knows what will happen in the future, but I wish parents could find some more understanding sometimes and when they see a "naughty” child instead of criticising the parent, just think about what they could be going through. We only see small snippets of people's lives and were all trying our best.

My biggest regret in regards to my daughter is that I didn’t seek professional help sooner and actioned a plan that would support her sensory and emotional needs although I didn’t so, I am doing what I can now.

Please be kind always, you never know what someone else is going through.